Tending Your Garden

God's will for our lives is our sanctification, yes? I'm so glad we agree. This is by no means easy – nobody necessarily enjoys being pruned, it's painful. But then, no one ever told you the christian walk would be easy... at least, I hope they didn't. If they did, then they lied to you.

I say all this because I have had some work done on me, let me not be mistaken... It was not of my own will that my misdeeds be corrected, but the will of the Father. He deemed it necessary that I learn some lessons – some very hard lessons – and so he chastised me. I will share some things that I learned in the process:

I had my heart way too set on some things that, well, my heart was set on. They would have been merely beneficial to the hopeless romantic part of me, with only slight possibilities for lasting value. I was completely denied this certain delight. I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would change my heart. After much heartache, I realized that I was being far too nearsighted in my faith. All I could focus on was what I wanted, but it became clear to me that our focus should not be on the pleasure that this world has to offer us. Rather, our focus should be on Christ, and heaven where we are to be, and that nothing should hurt us that much, because it simply doesn't matter. If things like this upset us to where bitterness and resentment are bred, then our hearts are not in the right place.

I'm not saying that it's wrong to be disappointed...but to rebel against the ones who resist your will (ultimately God, to whose will we are bound anyway,) then this exposes a huge long string of character qualities which the Lord hates.

So anyway, this morning I was reading a well known passage, Colossians 3, and I must say that, not matter how many times I have read it, I have never had it mean so much to me before.

"If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is Seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not things that are on the earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." (v. 1-4)

The pros of possessing a resistant will are non-existent and the cons are endless. To the young ladies who read this, I must say that this is contrary to the way we are exhorted to behave. To move down the passage to verse 12 we read,

"Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience..."

This makes it clear the way we are desired to behave as Christ's church – as His chosen bride. Marriage between man and woman should be a perfect reflection of the church's relationship with Christ. The husband should love his wife as Christ loved the church. But what kind of a witness is a marriage when the wife is not reflecting what Christ's church is to exude? Young ladies, the first passage I shared, as the qualities the church should possess, points to 1 Peter 3, the virtue a woman should nurture and hold dear:

"...let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, but submitting to their husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening."

Here I absolutely HAVE to bring Shakespeare into the picture. He was right on in his play "The Taming of the Shrew". At the end of the fifth act, Katherine (previously "the Shrew", now sanctified into a wonderful example) rebukes her sister and friend (earlier in the play, two seemingly mild and obedient wives) for not treating their husbands with the love and respect he deserves... and what it really means to be a woman.

"Thy husband is thy lord, thy life, thy keeper,
Thy head, thy sovereign; one that cares for thee,
And for thy maintenance commits his body
To painful labour both by sea and land,
To watch the night in storms, the day in cold,
Whilst thou liest warm at home, secure and safe;
And craves no other tribute at thy hands
But love, fair looks and true obedience;
Too little payment for so great a debt.
Such duty as the subject owes the prince
Even such a woman oweth to her husband;
And when she is froward, peevish, sullen, sour,
And not obedient to his honest will,
What is she but a foul contending rebel
And graceless traitor to her loving lord?
I am ashamed that women are so simple
To offer war where they should kneel for peace;
Or seek for rule, supremacy and sway,
When they are bound to serve, love and obey.
Why are our bodies soft and weak and smooth,
Unapt to toil and trouble in the world,
But that our soft conditions and our hearts
Should well agree with our external parts?"

And so I exhort you to submit your wills unto the Lord, release your agenda, offer the petition "your will, not mine, be done", and let the motives of your prayers be pure.

Thoughts On Marriage from C.H. Spurgeon

"Sometimes we have seen a model marriage, founded on pure love, and cemented in mutual esteem. Therein, the husband acts as a tender head; and the wife, as a true spouse, realizes the model marriage-relation, and sets forth what our oneness with the Lord ought to be. She delights in her husband, in his person, his character, his affection; to her, he is not only the chief and foremost of mankind, but in her eyes he is all-in-all; her heart's love belongs to him, and to him only. She finds sweetest content and solace in his company, his fellowship, his fondness; he is her little world, her Paradise, her choice treasure. At any time, she would gladly lay aside her own pleasure to find it doubled in gratifying him. She is glad to sink her individuality in his. She seeks no renown for herself; his honor is reflected upon her, and she rejoices in it. She would defend his name with her dying breath; safe enough is he where she can speak for him. The domestic circle is her kingdom; that she may there create happiness and comfort, is her lifework; and his smiling gratitude is all the reward she seeks. Even in her dress, she thinks of him; without constraint she consults his taste and considers nothing beautiful which is distasteful to him.

A tear from his eye, because of any unkindness on her part, would grievously torment her. She asks not how her behavior may please a stranger, or how another's judgment may approve her conduct; let her beloved be content, and she is glad. He has many objects in life, some of which she does not quite understand; but she believes in them all, and anything she can do to promote them, she delights to perform. He lavishes love on her, and, in return, she lavishes love on him. Their object in life is common. There are points where their affections so intimately unite that none could tell which is first and which is second. To watch their children growing up in health and strength, to see them holding posts of usefulness and honor, is their mutual concern; in this and other matters, they are fully one. Their wishes blend, their hearts are indivisible. By degrees, they come to think very much the same thoughts. Intimate association creates conformity; I have known this to become so complete that, at the same moment, the same utterance has leaped to both their lips."

On Brothers in Christ...

This article was posted by Anna Sophia and Elizabeth Botkin on their blog. It is very clear and very helpful.

Brothers and Sisters in Christ
Posted July 15, 2008, by Elizabeth

How to Think About Young Men

A number of young women have asked us about relationships with young men. They want to know how a young woman should interact with those of the opposite sex, or should she at all?

Note: Every daughter should look to the guidance of her parents on this. She should know what her father (and mother) think about conversations with strangers, friends, suitors, and potential suitors. The advice in this article presupposes that your father approves of pure conversations and interaction with young men, and that our suggestions would only be applied in the situations and manner he has approved. If the thoughts below represent a different practice than what your father or elders have prescribed for you, continue to follow the direction you have been given by those in jurisdictional authority over you.

The issue of how eligible young people can interact in a pure and comfortable way has been considered by wiser and more mature minds than ours. However, we would like to submit a few thoughts as two young people currently navigating these waters ourselves, and having listened to the perspectives of many friends, both male and female, on this issue.

In this post we will be offering some collected observations from the most mature young people we know (with a heavy dose of advice from the older and married, our parents most of all).

It is generally known that Christians are supposed to interact as brothers and sisters in Christ, but during the highly-charged season of eligibility, young people in the typical church are not sure how to do this. Even in family-integrated churches, guys and girls often don’t know how to interact comfortably as brothers and sisters. We usually see this expressed in one of two ways: either flirting and posturing, or shying demurely away from any interaction with the other sex. These two symptoms may seem opposites, but they both stem from the same root problem: a failure to think of the other as “[brothers or] sisters, with all purity” (1 Tim. 5:2) In other words: thinking of the other sex chiefly as marriage material. This problem can be intensified by the fact that most of us don’t know what a real brother-sister relationship looks like, thus having no foundation or framework to transfer over to our spiritual brothers. Our father has always taught us that understanding the fraternal relationship can help us understand why men and women in the Body of Christ are referred to as brother and sister, and give us the wisdom to gracefully maneuver a season so (potentially) fraught with complexity.

Obviously, there must be some distinctions between how we treat family members and young people outside the family. Because this “eligibility” phase can be volatile, young people need to be extra thoughtful in how they deal with these relationships – not excessively worried about convention, but always thinking carefully about how to love the people around them, considering what is appropriate for the situation, and submitting to the guidelines set by their parents.

In this article, we will not attempt to set forth a code of conduct, or rules of “engagement” between the sexes – rules and safeguards are for your own family to determine as you seek the Scriptures. What we want to explore here is a sisterly attitude toward young men. Remember, our patterns of conduct begin in the heart and mind. We cannot treat young men as brothers until we think of them as brothers. It does not follow that we should throw propriety to the wind and embrace all young men with unconstrained sibling familiarity, but we can identify and follow many of the same principles that we do with our own brothers, without the same level of intimacy.

What does it mean to think of young men as brothers?

What principles of sisterly love are applicable to other young men?

A sister should be looking out for her brother’s best interests. Of course she doesn’t want to see him get hurt, defrauded, or painfully disappointed.

She prays for him, for his future wife and family.

She understands that he is an imperfect human being, with flaws and weaknesses that should be viewed with charity, patience and understanding.

She views him as a fellow human made in the image of God – neither more nor less.

A sister should realize that her brother will answer to God for every word he says, every thought he has, every deed he does – including in his dealings with women. This should put the fear of God into her to not want to see stumbling blocks put before him.

A sister should realize that young men are supposed to be seeking the Kingdom first (as are we! Matt. 6:23). We should not willfully distract them. Ours should be the kind of relationship that will encourage them in their focus on serving God, in their manly endeavors, rather than the kind of relationship that would feed their weaknesses and vanity. Young women can fuel or even ignite a man’s penchant for mere “interaction” – bantering, toying, dallying, trivial exchanges about nothings — a shallow (and selfish) substitute for hearty friendship and substantial conversation.

What the young men say

We have an advantage many girls would love to have – we have five brothers, who all talk openly with us about what they do and do not appreciate in the conduct of young women toward them and their friends. Our brothers have told us they find it easier to think of and treat a young lady as a sister in Christ, when she acts like a sister in Christ. Solid young men can usually discern fairly quickly whether a girl is unselfishly looking out for the best interests of her Christian brothers, or views them simply as prospective marriage material – or worse, as objects to sport with. They’re inclined to feel more comfortable around a girl who clearly has no designs or expectations, and uneasy speaking to a girl who seems focused on her eligibility, the matrimonial possibilities, the deep significance of their interaction… (Among other things, the guys can be concerned that their brotherly friendliness will be misconstrued as a mark of intention.)

According to our brothers, they appreciate it when:

A girl seems comfortable and at ease.

A girl talks to them in the same spirit that their sisters do.

A girl is a good conversationalist, well educated and with interesting things to say. (Able to speak intelligently on subjects that will be of general interest to a mixed audience – e.g., topics other than sewing, fad diets, clothes, chick flicks, themselves, etc.)

A girl has a genuine interest in the things of God, and an eagerness to speak of them and discuss them.

They do not appreciate it when:

A girl seems excessively self-conscious and distracted by the fact that AN ELIGIBLE YOUNG MAN IS TALKING TO HER!

A girl exhibits leech-like behavior – however flattering it was intended to be.

A girl is over-aggressively friendly.

A girl demonstrates a Deliberate Shunning of Young Men, complete with avoiding eye contact and hiding behind human shields.

Conclusion

Knowing how to interact with all purity is a test – parents and young people have had to deal with this throughout history, sometimes trying to solve problems through strict societal conventions and rigid codes of conduct. Standards and rules of decorum should be regarded. The trouble is, they don’t ultimately fix the problems. Only treating the attitudes of our hearts – cultivating agape love, wisdom, thoughtfulness, and the perception and intuition to discern the need of the moment – will help us act like the sisters in Christ we should be.

Girls – consider the young men you know as the future husbands of women the Lord has already chosen. In fact, you can be praying for their wives right now (note: not match-making), and don’t forget to pray for the men themselves, that the Lord will guide and protect them in the choosing of a wife.

Try to act like a sister, not a prospect. Don’t be obsessed with your own eligibility, or theirs either, for that matter. Selfless, honest interaction with young men has the potential to edify, stimulate, educate, inspire and encourage both parties. Don’t complicate, or hinder, these friendships by playing psycho-romantic guessing games.

And finally, ladies – relax! Be joyful. Trust in the sovereignty of God. Be thankful for these opportunities for friendship with the children of God. Remember that these young men are precious souls blood-bought by Christ, and fellow soldiers in His cause. Let us build friendships that will continue long after this season of singleness is past, and into eternity

A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another. — John 13:34